The Space of Healing and Change

People can come into therapy with a range of pains and circumstances. They can reveal parents who couldn’t/didn’t show up, abuse, trauma, illness, or other factors that were out of their control.

In order to begin your healing journey, it is necessary to have your story heard, receive validation, and have someone who cares about you and your well-being in a way that is human and empathetic, but also professional and boundaried. Ideally, the therapeutic relationship offers a connection that holds a safe space for your pain, experiences, and can provide support.

There comes a point however, whereby the reliving and the retelling of your story, over and over, in the same words and with the same blame towards others may not be helpful to you. This is not to say that behaviour should be excused, that someone else should receive a ‘free pass,’ forgiveness, or that you should ‘just get over it.’ In fact, it is likely that we will carry the sensitive spots from our past and wounding that will flare up on occasion in the face of situations that remind us of the past. This may never fully change; rather, we become better at managing ourselves, and increase our awareness over our previous programming in order to pivot towards healthier behaviours or situations.

This is similar to losing someone we love dearly. We will likely never ‘get over’ the pain, but instead grow around it. This means that we can still feel the pain of loss as it arrives, and acknowledge that a place in our heart may always be tender or sting in face of reminders or memories. However, we can also create room in our lives for meaning, connection, and other experiences. Both can exist together.

A helpful attitude towards change means saying:

“In order for me to heal, I have to acknowledge the situations, people or circumstances which were unfair, cruel, or painful. I acknowledge that the impacts of this may have bled into many areas of my life, and extend compassion towards myself. I can also do the work to decipher where there may be behaviours or patterns I am perpetuating that aren’t helpful, and address it/them. I can pivot towards behaviours that are nourishing to me, even if they are incremental. I honour myself by sharing my story or experiences with a safe person/people, whilst also simultaneously understanding that I can access support, my own agency, and thought patterns, behaviours and decisions that can shift my life moving forward. I know that change is a process, and won’t rush my healing.”

We can acknowledge our stories and their impact without them influencing us forever, and grow around them. This means we learn what/where our tender spots are, and practical tools and/or perspectives that un-stick us from patterns of the past. That is, without denying where we have been, we can usher ourselves into a more hopeful and nourishing future.

This is where our healing lies.

© Marianna Jaross

This article originally appeared on Medium in 2022.